confessions of a serial gamer
(c) moran/inward/cpu

elfh> just afew of us have a courage to confess in pernicious passions even to yourself. and especially have a strive to find causes and ways to escape. moran have a power to try...

why i'am playing

a lot of people are addicted to something that enslaves them. someone drinks harmful liquids, someone is smoking and eating plants, that are bad for his health, while i'am playing. unable not to play, and this often opresses me. it steals my time, my sleep, my life, and i'am afraid to say it - my soul. that happened frequently - at the morning, crawling out of my pc, laying on a soft sofa, looking at beautiful rising sun, i thought how could it be: it is so gentle and mild here, and i'am suffering, gritting my teeth being with a virtual opponent, who posessing me in a thoroughly learned game. then, of course, i'll sleep in the most pleasant, worm and bright time of day... and do you know, what is the most terrible? conscience! it gnaws me and tells - 'why?! .. why did you killed your time in vain! you could create something, go for a walk or clean-up the room at last. no! you have no time for that, but there is a lot of time for games. no family, no work, no aspiration...' did you had such an experience - you close your eyes before going to sleep, and there are landscapes... and voices of characters of the game you are playing now? how i could come to this? maybe it is the curse of the universe made me run away from myself to those micro game worlds, maybe the lack of education, not given me by parents, brought me to this abyss of game consuming? but i think, it is just my laziness that doesn't give me ability to express myself in a things, disposed to order. what for am i playing? let everyone who is similar to me in that, asks yourself too. and decides for yourself. after thinking a while, i have made a decision for myself... most likely, playing games, ruling imaginary characters, solving their fates and aspirations, i want to be similar to god. exactly him. because everyone, who is looking for a power upon someone, even assumed, wants to steal the right to determine fates and be a microgod for some, even very little, time. i think, human power is vile, and there is sublime right, the right, he gave for men, the right to create and be like him. probably, this is just apathy and depression gnaws me, it is far too easier to start play a game and go the way, pointed by someone else, than try to find it by yourself. but maybe, everything is not so bad... for example, i'll try to create something interesting, in spite of laziness, that is to be known a contagious illness. so, i think i have found an exit for myself, and that is desirable to follow it, i will create things, that is ennoble the world, less laziness and become more deep in it - then i'll survive and run away from the curse, threatening over me. try to find an exit, that will help you, i already found it. bye.

07.04.2004
moran/inward/cpu.